Here I go again

Few things irritate me more than hearing someone use negative adoption language. Now, I know a lot of folks are just ignorant on the topic. And that's fine! However, I always feel an overwhelming urge to slap them and then educate them in the error of their ways. For instance, I was recently talking to another Mom while our children were playing and the topic of adoption came up. I mentioned that we adopted our oldest daughter and have an open adoption. The mother's response???

"Oh, so she, like, sees her real Mom?"

I know what she meant. And I know she meant no harm. I'm a big girl and can take it. But what if my four year old would have been standing there? You know, the one that is already asking tough question about adoption? Thanks lady, you've just made my job a gazillion times harder. Now, I'm not totally stupid and know that I won't be able to shield her from everything, but it was another reminder that adoptive parents need to educate those around them. Which brings me to another aggravation....

I know what you are thinking. "What doesn't aggravate this woman???"

Not much! Anyway..............back to aggravation.

Adoptive parents that use negative adoption language blow my mind. It breaks my heart to hear someone say. "Oh, she's adopted." But to hear that child's parent say it...in front of the child. Ugh!!! Don't get me wrong. Mia knows that we adopted her but she will NEVER hear us say, "She's adopted." I will not label her. Subtle difference, I know, but to children, it can make such a difference.

Totally side topic here - do you think I use commas too much???

Ok, back to adoption friendly language. Here is a quick run-down of those that really make me cringe.

Negative language vs. positive language

Real mother / Birth Mother *some have even started using the term "First Mother"
Gave up for adoption / Placed her child for adoption
your own child / biological child

That last one is a BIG one for me. Ever since getting pregnant with our 2nd daughter, I have gotten bombarded with, "What is like to have one of your own?" SO irritating!

I better end this post. I've gotta get my own child to bed and remember to pray for Mia's real Mom. :)

It's that time again

A time when my family and friends get even more annoyed with me. As if I am not a big enough adoption nut and advocate, I get to spend a whole month reminding those around me how important adoption is, and that God has called all of us to care for the orphans.

Happy Adoption Awareness Month, Y'all!!!

The questions are getting bigger, and harder

We have never made it a secret that our oldest daughter, Mia, is adopted. In fact, we celebrate it. The way she became a part of our family is nothing but a sheer testimony of God's timing and how He can turn something scary for one young woman into something beautiful for another young woman. All that being said, we have always been open and honest with Mia about her birth story. In the beginning, it was something as simple as showing her a picture of A and saying, "That's your Birth Mother." That, coupled with regular visits, Mia knows who J and A are and will even sometimes refer to them as her Birth Parents, but it wasn't until my recent pregnancy of our third daughter that I think things really began clicking in her head. This time, she understood that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy (as much as a four year old can understand) and the dreaded question finally came.

"Mommy, was I in your tummy?"

Now, I say I dreaded this question not because I am ashamed of her adoption, or that I don't want to talk about it. Far from it! I am such an adoption nut that I have to use restraint in telling everyone our miraculous story. Over the years, I have quit talking about it as much because it's HER story and she is getting to an age where she has a choice whether she wants to share it or not. Ok, so back to the "dreaded" question. I took a deep breath and told her, once again, that she grew in A's tummy and that when she was born, A chose us to be her Mommy and Daddy. That meant we adopted her.

"So, when did we adopt Olivia?"

Oh no! She is beginning to really grasp this. Before, she would just repeat the words but we knew she really had no understanding of them. Our agency told us this would happen and while we have prepared ourselves as best as we can, it doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with. My response:

"Well, Olivia grew in Mommy's tummy and since we decided to keep her here, she did not need to be adopted."

I watch as her little mind tries to process this all the while hoping and praying that the confusion I see on her face is just that, and not hurt. Next question:

"So, what about baby J**?"

Ok, for those that don't know the whole story. J and A had another baby, a boy, 15 months after Mia was born. We had such a hard time when they told us they were expecting again so soon because I KNEW that this question would come one day. When A first told me she was expecting again, I had a quick thought of, "Oh, we're gonna get another baby." But without her ever saying a word, I knew she would not place again. Placing Mia was and is too painful for her. Once I quickly computed all of that, I got very angry because I knew this new baby would create even more questions and pain for Mia. My response regarding baby J**:

"Baby J** grew in April's tummy and he lives with her."

To which she replied:

"Oh. Ok."

End of discussion. Nothing else is said. Oh how I wish I could crawl into her head and see how she is processing all of this. I know as she gets older the confusion will lessen and the pain will grow. It's inevitable. Despite all of our love, attention, time...you name it, she will hurt because her Birth Parents chose to place her for adoption instead of parenting, but chose to parent her little brother instead of placing him.

I wish I could see into the future and see how all of this is going to play out. Will we be glad we chose an open adoption? Or in ten years, will we be kicking ourselves for ever going along with it? I still believe we are doing the best thing for Mia. Every parent has to make difficult choices and forever questions his or herself if the choice they made was the right one. We are no different.

Our Adoption Story

August 18, 2005 was a day like any other day. I woke up, got ready for work, and with a few minutes to spare, thought I would spend a few minutes talking to God. I prayed for the usual…thank you for all that you have given me, be with Evan today, help me keep my sanity at work, and by the way, please send us a baby soon. In the meantime, keep our child safe and give us an opportunity tell his or her birth family about you. Amen. It was the same prayer I had been praying for the last two years since deciding to give up on fertility treatments. Adoption was something that had always been on my list of lifelong to-dos: get married, have a few children and then spend the rest of my life rescuing children from orphanages and the nightmares of abuse and neglect. Obviously, my dream of having a few children biologically never became a reality. But God took those crushed dreams and gallons of tears cried and turned it into something more beautiful that I could have ever imagined.

When my husband and I seriously began looking into adoption, we were met with a huge obstacle. Gone were the days when pregnant women were secretly matched with a family that would take their child, and neither would ever hear of the other again. There was this new thing, called open adoption. We desperately sought an agency that wasn’t doing this new-fangled adoption, but were continually told that this was the best way to go. We prayed and finally settled on Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services, located in Dallas. They too were pushing the open adoption plans, but we decided that we would go to the orientation and agree with them if it meant we could finally be parents. Open adoption was okay for some, but staying in touch with a birth family – NO WAY!

After our first meeting with Buckner, the Lord began to soften our hearts. We still were not sold on the idea, but felt like we at least needed to educate ourselves if we were going to completely refuse the idea. We began to read some of the books Buckner had suggested and began to see some of the benefits of open adoption. We began the long, long process of filling out paperwork, getting references, medical records, extensive and personal interviews with social workers. In February of 2005, we attended a two-day seminar at Buckner where we learned the legal aspects of adoption, dealing with our own grief caused by infertility, and a little about what the birth family goes through. On the second day of the seminar, we got to meet a real family living open adoption. The adoptive family told their story and then the birth mother came in and told hers. God began to show us the beauty that can come from these relationships. From that point on, it has been open adoption for us.

Ok, so back to August 18, 2005. We had finished all of our paperwork and all we were lacking to be officially approved and waiting for a match was our final home study meeting…and that was scheduled for the following week. At about 11:30 that morning, one of my supervisors told me I had a phone call from Buckner. I figured there was a problem with some paperwork, but to my surprise, it wasn’t our social worker, but one of the maternity counselors. She told me that they had a birth mother due in two weeks and would it be ok if they showed her and the birth father our profile. There were several medical and personal issues that we had to consider, so I hung up, burst into tears, and then called my husband at work. After two days of hard praying, we decided that letting them seem our profile didn’t necessarily mean that this was the “one.” God still had the capability to close this door. We gave the okay and on Saturday, the maternity counselor flew to Amarillo to give them our profile. By Monday morning, we were driving to Amarillo to meet them in person and decide if this would be a good match for all involved. I think a blind date with a three-eyed monster would have been less nerve-racking. As we were driving to the church to meet them, all we could think was, “What are we thinking?” After spending most of Monday afternoon and evening with them, we decided to meet once more in the morning before heading home. It was SO hard not to get our hopes up, because we knew that nothing was definite. When we left on Tuesday, the birth mother told us she had an OB check-up the next day and she would call us and let us know how it went. That was a good sign.

Fast forward to August 25 – the phone rang at 3:30 in the morning. It was the birth father calling from the back of an ambulance. A’s water had broken and this was it. At this point we figured we had made the cut, so we literally threw clothes and the few baby things we had into the car and sped to Amarillo. We arrived about 12:30 and were able to spend a few hours in the hospital room with J and A, as well as some of their family and friends. At 4:26, our daughter was born. There were some complications during the delivery, so she was rushed to the NICU. We then began the waiting game to see if J and A would follow through with their adoption plan. We prayed, cried, and cried with them. While Mia was in the NICU, J and A allowed us to visit her, which made the wait even more difficult. This was still their baby, and they wanted to keep her more than anything in the world. But more than their own desires, they wanted more for her. On August 29, 2005, J and A signed the paperwork allowing us to bring home Mia Grace to be our daughter. It was the happiest and saddest day of my life. There are no words to describe the amount of guilt I felt. As much as I wanted to be a Mom, I felt like screaming, “Wait, are you sure you want to do this?”

We have a completely open adoption with Mia’s birth family. They know where we live, have been to our house, and even stayed in our guest room one night. We talk to them frequently on the phone, send pictures of Mia, and visit them in Amarillo. There is nothing legally binding about our agreement. At any point, we could back out and they would have no legal recourse. However, we made a commitment to them and to Mia. It’s not always the easiest of relationships, and there are times I have cried myself to sleep wishing to be a “normal” family. But like any Mom, I would do anything for my child. Once people know we have an open adoption, the number one question is, “Don’t you feel like you are sharing her?” Nope! I get all the firsts; all the sloppy kisses, the morning hugs, and years of everyday life with Mia. If I can’t afford her birth family a few days a year, after all they have given us, what does that say about me? What does that say about Christianity to those that don’t know Christ?

There is SO much more to this story. I would be happy to answer questions about open adoption. Open adoption is not for everyone. I believe you have to be called to it. But it is so rewarding and I wouldn’t trade our relationship with Mia’s birth family for anything.

Then




Now

SO busy lately

Even as I type this, (one-handed by the way), I am busy "jiggling" my newest daughter back to sleep. Sarah Lynn was born 3 weeks ago tonight on July 2 at 8:05 pm. I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks, but at the same time, it's been the longest 3 weeks of our lives. In case we weren't busy enough, we are SUPER busy now. Of course, a newborn, 18 month old and nearly 4 year old will do that. Anyway, here are some first pics. Maybe I can upload more later when I have both hands available.

I hate earworms!!!

Ever had an earworm? It's horrible! It just festers and festers until you can't take it anymore and you seriously contemplate running a knife through your ears to rid yourself of the agony. Earworms are bad enough, but when it involves the theme song to "Handy Manny", or even worse, something from the "Imagination Movers", well...just shoot me. I suppose that is my life now. Lyrics and melodies from those shows that I find most annoying embed themselves in my brain out of spite. Why can't it be something I like? Like a good 'ole worship song by Chris Tomlin? Or something from George Strait's "Ocean Front Property" album? Noooooo, tonight I will find myself drifting off to sleep to the ever catchy Handy Manny theme song.

Da da da da da, Handy Manny!
Da da da da da, Handy Manny!

Dadgum catchy little ditty! I curse you!

For my husband...

Unbeknownst to me, my husband follows my blog. About a week ago, he made a comment that I had not updated my blog in a while. Huh? You read my blog??? Of course, I immediately became defensive listing the multitudes of things that take up my time and prevent me from writing, which I so love to do, as if I was explaining why dinner wasn't on the table. Or why I had neglected to meet him at the door with his pipe and slippers. Ya know, because I do that ALL the time! Anyway, I do miss writing, but have I mentioned that I am busy? I think of tons of things to write about throughout the day, but when I finally have time to sit at the computer, I am either too tired or get sucked into my latest addiction...Facebook. Anywho, here is what is keeping me occupied these days.

Let's see, first and foremost, I have entered into the icky, miserable part of being pregnant. Whoa, let me back-track. I know how unbelievably blessed I am to be carrying this sweet girl, but let's be real. When you are (nearly) 34 weeks pregnant, things start to hurt and swell and did I mention, hurt? Not to mention that this little girl is way more active than I remember Olivia being. She has her feet up in my ribs 90% of the time and while it is awesome to watch her move and stretch across my belly, it can be uncomfy at times. And let's just forget about sleep. I can't get comfortable at night and I wake up any time I roll over because it is such a huge undertaking. While I still have about 6 weeks to go, I stare and belly and wonder just how much bigger it can get. Of course, with only 6 weeks left, I am in panic mode trying to get everything "ready" (as if you are ever really ready) and worrying about how my youngest will react once we bring Sarah home. With Olivia, it was a little easier because Mia was older and had some idea what was going on. Livi is CLUELESS and is still such a Mama's girl, I cringe when I think about the tantrums and tears she and I will share once Sarah arrives.

Speaking of Mia and Olivia, they keep me hopping as well. Keeping up with a 3 1/2 year old and almost 17 month old is hard enough, but throw in the whole pregnancy thing and you become a walking, whining Mommy that is constantly saying, "In a minute. Mommy needs to sit for a second." We are still sorting out some behavior issues with Mia and I think we are finally to a point where we have more good than bad days. She is such a strong-willed little girl and will come right out and tell us, "I want my way!" Of course, with that strong-will comes a strong and BIG personality. She is sooooooo sweet and friendly. It blows me away when we are out and about how different she can be. People are always complimenting her on a what a well-behaved little girl she is. I have learned to accept the compliment without looking around and saying, "What little girl are you referring to? Surely not this one!!!" Hey, no one can sell you out like your Mama! She really is precious though. While she can be a little devil to her sister, I am touched to the point of tears at how tender and loving she can be as well. What I love most about Mia right now is that she is really beginning to acknowledge God more and talk about His existence and influence on her life. And at three years old, she can pray the Lord's prayer. I think that is huge since I couldn't recite until a few years ago. I learn so much from her everyday and gain such an understanding of God's love for us. I can't believe she will be four in a few months. Where has the time gone?

Olivia is an absolute riot. She is still so tiny and I find myself forgetting that she is older than she looks. I get blown away when she does something new, as if I have a genius on my hands. Of course, I do, but that is beside the point. She is SO funny and is constantly cracking us up with her facial expressions. Her latest thing is pointing to different things and asking, "Dat?" She is increasing her vocabulary everyday although a lot of things she says still sounds like she is cussing us out. I have NO idea where she would hear such language! She is funny because while she is VERY affectionate with us, she gets irritated when Mia wants to love on her. She gets this perturbed look on her face and pushes her away. Unfortunately, we have had to start disciplining her for "no-no's" and I hate it. I remember the first time I had to swat Mia's hand. The look of horror that flashed across her face reduced me to tears. Of course, I react the exact same way with Livi. The funny thing is, she has started swatting her own hand when she does something she knows she's not supposed to. She'll hit her arm a couple of times and say, "No no." It is freakin' hilarious and so hard not to crack up. But hey, who can argue to with self-discipline at 17 months????

Let's see, in addition to all the fun and games listed above. The past month or so has brought on other activities to keep my busy.

*My Grandmother died in April and while it was a relief for her not to be suffering anymore, it's always hard when you lose a loved one.

*My Dad has had two surgeries in an effort to correct the broken bone he broke over a year ago on Evan's motorcycle.

*I am desperately trying to get the house and Sarah's room ready for her arrival so things are not as hectic once she is here. With both Mia and Olivia, we did their rooms after they were born and it was such a pain. Evan, bless his heart, has been painting Sarah's room for about a week and it's still not pink. She will be residing in what was once our office. The office we painted a dark, blue gray when we first moved in. Yeah, smart! Anyway, he has put on two coats of primer, repainted the trim and ceiling. Next step is pink and hopefully the blue-gray won't bleed through.

*Livi has had two really bad ear infections during the past month and we are all recovering from one of the worst stomach bugs EVER.

*Finally, while I feel I have made huge steps towards letting go of the housework and learning to live with clutter and filth, I still try to maintain some sort of order and cleanliness around here. Honestly, I don't know why. I seem to be the only one that cares and it just gets messed up again. I feel like if I can keep it up until Sarah comes, then coming home to a clean and orderly house will be nice. Of course, in reality, I know it won't happen that way. But a girl can dream, right?

Well sweet hubby, there is your updated blog. I know you have been on the edge of your seat waiting for it. Oh, and I am sorry about your slippers and pipe. I promise it won't happen again.