Not what I intended to write about

First and foremost, thank you for all of your prayers and encouraging messages. Many were confused and alarmed by my previous post and after reading it myself, it did sound a little tragic. Unfortunately, that is how it turned out. We discovered last week, much to our surprise, that I was pregnant. I had been having some symptoms that were a little familiar and decided to take a pregnancy test, more as a joke than anything. Imagine our surprise when it came up positive!!!! Livi is only 7 months, I am still nursing and my cycles are a little screwy. Anyway, despite our shock, we were excited. We had been telling one another that we were done with two kids, but I think deep down, another one would not be so bad.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I was about to leave the house to meet K for a lunch/playdate and needed to pee before leaving. I think you all know where this is headed. Yep, I was spotting. I had been having some slight cramps off and on for the past few days, but remembered having that with Livi and did not think too much about it. However, on Tuesday and Wednesday, they had subsided and I was feeling really good. I started to panic and resisted the urge to go buy another test. Anyway, I called my doctor's office and the nurse said I would feel much better if I came in. There is nothing they could do, and since I was only 5 weeks, a sono might not be conclusive. Well, I called K and told her what was going on. I was planning on telling her the good news at lunch, but instead had to tell her all of this. Being the AWESOME friend that she is, she offered to keep Mia while I went to the doctor. I was so relieved because juggling two at the doctors is tough and I knew Mia had been looking forward to playing with her three B's all morning. By the time I got to the doctor, I was bleeding pretty heavily. (Sorry if TMI!) I was trying SO hard to hold it together and doing a pretty good job until Evan called to check on me and said he was praying for me. What is it about that phrase, "I'm praying for you" that always sends us into sobs? Anyway, before the sonogram tech started, she told me that since I was only 5 weeks, they might not see anything, even if I was pregnant. I told her that I pretty much knew how this .was going to play out. Besides, I had my first sono with Livi at 5 weeks and there was a little something to see. Of course, as soon as we were done and she didn't show me anything, I knew. I went back to the waiting room to wait for my doctor to talk to me. I was eventually called back to an exam room to wait some more. I completely lost it at this point. And then, I saw it. My doctor is a Christian lady and has scriptures all over her office - VERY awesome. Well, in this particular exam room...one that I had been in MANY times. There was a calendar on the wall and the scripture for August was Mark 5:19.

"Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

Wow! The tears immediately stopped. My heavenly Father reminded me in that instance of just how richly blessed I am. I have two, healthy children. The best husband in the world. A wonderful family. Awesome friends. I get to be a stay-at-home Mom. I have food in my house. I have a house. I am healthy. And I have a Savior that died for me so that I would not spend eternity in hell, which is what I deserve.

Of course we are sad. And I have waves of crying. I've never lost a baby before and while I was only 5 weeks, I already loved that little life inside me. When my doctor came in, she told me that they did not see anything on the sono but that it could just be too early. I told her that I was bleeding quite a bit and she told me that I was most likely miscarrying. During all of this, Livi was being her usual happy, smiley self. My doctor was talking about how sweet she was and trying to comfort me. I hugged Livi and said, "How can I be upset? Look what I have."

I KNOW how blessed I am to have two children. There were many, many years when I thought I would never experience the joy of being a mother. And even after we adopted Mia, there was still this little part in me that hurt a little every time I saw a pregnant lady, or heard of someone's new pregnancy. Having Livi honestly completed me, and if we never have anymore children - adoption or birth - I really am ok with that. After all....

The Lord has done great things for me and shown me more mercy than I deserve!